


Letters to Oblivion

by JemTheKingOfSass



Series: Prompt-based MR oneshots [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, this series is all old fics being posted now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 03:57:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14204523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JemTheKingOfSass/pseuds/JemTheKingOfSass
Summary: Makoto’s heart leapt into his throat. He would rather aimlessly drown in Rin for a week than watch him leave again when he had the power to make him stay. “No Rin, I want you to stay. I just wish you’d have asked me before asking the others.”





	Letters to Oblivion

**Author's Note:**

> I was encouraged by someone (who doesn’t ship MR) who shall remain nameless to locate my old MR fics that I never posted anywhere because my first love in this fandom was Makoto x Rin and I will never let this ship go ~~you will have to pry it out of my cold dead heart~~. I finally found one of them (why didn't I save them all on the same flash drive? why am I so scattered?) and then how did someone _else_ (who also doesn’t ship MR) convince me to let this see the light of day?) and so....here.
> 
> *shoves some mildly angsty poorly written MR at you all*
> 
>  

 

Makoto reached into his middle desk drawer and took out the steel gray box that lived there and set it down on the desktop. He carefully sealed the envelope he had just finished stuffing a letter into, lifted the lid of the box, and slipped the envelope inside. He placed the metal container back where it belonged and pushed the drawer closed. He sighed as he rose from his desk to begin preparing himself for bed, when his phone alerted him with the short chiming of tinkling bells. 

 

As he ambled over to his phone, Makoto wondered who was texting him this late at night. Teachers were notoriously early birds by force more so than desire, which eliminated his coworkers, Haru was a night owl but rarely picked up his cell, and Sousuke was out on a date. It occurred to Makoto that perhaps he was having a problem on his date and needed someone to provide him an escape plan. However, when he thought back to the picture of the diminutive woman Sousuke had shown him from a posed photo they had taken in front of a fountain on their first date, Makoto realized there was no way his large friend needed a physical rescue. He desperately tried to come up with an excuse to give Sousuke that would require his friend to abandon a horrible date that did not completely emasculate himself in the process. 

 

 **Haru:** _Rin’s coming back tomorrow_

 **Me:** _Wait, what? Tomorrow? When did you find out?_

 **Haru:** _He just told me_

 **Haru:** _He’s back for good this time_

 **Me:** _What? What happened? Is everything ok?_

 **Haru:** _His coach retired and Coach Yakamoto wants to take him on_

 **Me:** _Your coach wants Rin? That’s great news!_

 **Haru:** _He’s always wanted him but Rin liked the coach he had in Australia_

 **Haru:** _I’m supposed to pick him up at Haneda at 6:15. You get him after work instead_

 **Me:** _But Haru you haven’t seen him since the last tournament you swam in together, wasn’t that in Greece like 2 months ago?_

 **Haru:** _Go pick him up Makoto_

 **Haru:** _Goodnight_

 

Makoto did not know exactly what to think about the bomb his best friend dropped on him, but he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

 

**

 

Makoto thanked his height which allowed him to look over almost everyone’s head at the baggage carousel where suitcases from the most recent flight from Sydney were being unloaded. Rin was tall too, and he was confused as to how he could not make him out in this crowd. He walked around the entire conveyor belt, eyes peeled for his friend. Makoto dug his phone out of his pocket.

 

 **Me:** _Haru, he’s not here at the baggage claim listed as the one for his flight!_

 **Haru:** _Why are you texting me about it?_

 **Haru:** _You should be texting Rin_

 **Haru:** _But he never checks a bag when he travels_

 **Haru:** _He’s probably already outside waiting for my car_

 

Makoto shut his phone, not sparing a second to reply to Haru or to wonder why Rin was looking for Haru’s car, and ran for the automatic doors leading to the pick-up area right outside the baggage claim. The doors appeared to be the only things on Makoto’s side as they smoothly slid open as soon as he approached. He looked to his right and scanned all the people waiting for their transportation away from the airport, all juggling rolling luggage and carry-ons. He saw quite a few travelers but not the one he was seeking.

 

Makoto spun to his left, anticipation bubbling in his gut, making him feel nauseous and a little lightheaded. His eyes flew past everyone under six feet tall, without crimson hair that looked like-

 

There he was, standing at the curb with a forlorn expression on his face as he checked his phone. A huge ball of nerves lodged itself in Makoto’s throat, which he frantically tried to clear. As he coughed like a hoarse dragon, making noises rarely heard outside of a hospital ward, Rin turned towards the commotion. 

 

“Makoto!”

 

The man in question locked his green eyes with the bemused traveler’s red ones. “Rin,” he managed to choke out before another fit consumed his lungs. 

 

“Are you okay, man?” Rin asked as he came over, bringing nothing but the huge backpack he wore. He pounded gently a few times on Makoto’s back, which did nothing to help Makoto’s breathing but caused heat to flood his face.

 

“I’m fine,” he gasped out, as he righted himself and tried to gain some semblance of composure. “How was your flight?” He hoped Rin would be as chatty as normal so he could resume his proper oxygen intake and not embarrass himself any further. 

 

Rin shrugged. “It was alright, I guess. It’s always just long enough to make me wish I’d never left in the first place, like just stayed here for middle school with you. But anyway it was uneventful, which is everything you want from a flight, I suppose. I’ve done eventful flights and those are never good, you know?”

 

Rin babbled and Makoto listened, his body finally cooperating with him, as they walked to the train station. Makoto apologized for not having thought to borrow Haru’s car, which Rin waved away. 

 

“Eh, I don’t know how he drives that tiny thing. Can you even fit into it or do you have to fold yourself in half? Sou said he refuses to ride in it.” Rin chuckled at the memory of his best friend’s antics, especially when they concerned Haru.

 

Makoto nodded and laughed along quietly. “Yeah, I was there for the first time he turned down a ride. Haru was so irritated he drove next to Sousuke for an entire block while he walked. By the time we got to the movie theater, they weren’t talking to each other.”

 

Rin’s smile slipped a little. “You guys always sound like you have a blast together.”

 

“Eh, we do but it’s not the same as-” Makoto cut himself off before he let slip anything too revealing. 

 

“The same as?” Rin questioned him, like a bulldog latching onto the leg of a trespasser. 

 

Makoto’s tongue felt too big as he held in his words, his hands felt clumsy as they swung awkwardly next to his sides. He glanced at Rin, who had stopped walking as they reached the train depot. They waited for the next train heading into the city, one quiet moment bled into a long string of silence. Transportation arrived before things became tense, at least as far as Makoto was concerned, and both men settled into their seats. 

 

“So,” Rin voice sounded loud coming from so close next to Makoto’s ear. “My flat won’t be ready for me to move in until next weekend. I was going to stay with Haru but when we talked yesterday, he said his place is being fumigated. I talked with Sou after that and he said his girlfriend stays over pretty much every night so he can’t really help me out. I wanted to contact you but it was really late already and I know you get up super early for work and well, I didn’t want to put you out, but, ummm-”

 

“You can stay with me Rin,” Makoto offered without hesitation, before his brain kicked in to remind him that not only was this a bad idea, but that Haru’s flat was not being fumigated and Sousuke was not practically living with the girl he had just taken out on their second date. The look of relief that washed over Rin’s features caused the bubble of unease within him shrink slightly. He loved helping people, he was usually the first to volunteer his services when someone was in a bind, but his home was his sanctuary, someplace Rin’s energy had never been. What was he supposed to do when Rin left again, to go live his life with who he was supposed to be living it with. He needed to be selfish with his own emotions when it came to Rin, for his own self-preservation. He had been harboring far-flung delusions for someone he had no claim on for far too long to be reckless now. He needed to keep his heart locked up like the strongbox in his drawer.

 

“Are you sure? I feel like I’ll be putting you out. You know what, Mako? I’ll just go home for the week I think and come back to Tokyo when the flat’s ready. I asked because I knew you’d say yes, but that was pretty uncool. It’ll be fine, don’t worry about me.” Rin placed his hand over Makoto’s that rested in his lap and cocked a grin in his direction, like he had not a care in the world.

 

Makoto’s heart leapt into his throat. He would rather aimlessly drown in Rin for a week than watch him leave again when he had the power to make him stay. “No Rin, I want you to stay. I just wish you’d have asked me before asking the others.”

 

They disembarked the train a few stops later, and Makoto led them on the walk to his apartment building. They climbed the stairs because Rin claimed he needed to move after a plane and a train ride. Then, before he regretted his decision any further, Makoto opened his home up to the one person he was nervous about sharing it with but also the one whom he desperately wanted to feel at home there. _Okaeri_ , he thought in his mind, a pleasant but bittersweet concept, as Makoto knew there were others with whom Rin belonged.

 

“Hey Makoto?” Rin took off his backpack and held it protectively to his chest. “Could I have a glass of water and then can we talk before we get dinner or futons or anything else sorted?”

 

Makoto smiled at the easy way Rin made himself at home here. He already felt lighter and less like this would be a week he simply still had to endure, but instead would be time he spent with a friend whom he rarely got alone. He supposed there would be training with Haru every day, and Sousuke would want to see Rin as much as possible, and Gou would find a way to come visit from Kyoto since her brother had not lived in Japan since her second year of high school six long years ago.

 

He brought Rin his water and went to sit as the swimmer patted the couch next to him. Makoto watched him gulp down the entire glass and take a deep, steadying breath before leaning down to unzip the main pocket of his backpack. Rin reached inside and pulled out an enormous mailing envelope, which appeared stuffed full. His friend scooted closer to him until their thighs were flush against each other and Makoto felt slightly dizzy. His breath hitched as he turned to look at the bulging envelope, wanting to simultaneously hold onto and flinch away from the points of contact that ran along his leg. Rin unceremoniously thrust the package into his hands.

 

Makoto looked at Rin in surprise and noted how flushed he was, how erratic his breathing seemed. “Are you okay, Rin?”

 

“I’m fine, Mako! Just, either look through that now before I implode on your couch or wait until I’m not staying here so you don’t ever have to look at me again if you don’t want to,” Rin barked, but his eyes held no bite and his hands trembled. “I...tried to put things in chronological order.” He mumbled out before he buried his face in his hands, ears burning red.

 

Makoto peered down at the huge bundle in his hands. He opened the clasp and lifted the flap. He reached inside the envelope to pull out a folded piece of notebook paper. 

 

_April 7th, 2004_  


_Makoto,_

_Hey. It’s been months since I’ve written, I know. It’s getting harder to write to you and pretend everything is going great down here. Every time I start to write you, I stop. I suppose Haru told you what happened over New Years a few months ago. I’m so humiliated. It’s bad enough losing to Haru, like I’ve been wasting all this time and running in place. It’s bad enough losing to everyone here, like I’m the worst swimmer that’s ever come to this swim club. I’m so bad and I’m not getting any better._  
_And then I think about you and I am so glad you aren’t here to see me suck this much. But then I think about how great it would be if you were here, being my friend like you’ve always been. I miss you and I think about you a lot. At night when I’m having trouble falling asleep, I think about some of the sleepovers you and I had before I left, some of the things we talked about, some of the questions we asked each other. ~~I’ve thought about it a lot and I don’t know anything yet but I am starting to wonder why I think about you so much and I think about kissing you and I think I know what that means and it’s scary and I remember how much we talked about our fears together and how this is one of them that we might share. I don’t know what to do if I like you like that, I can’t handle being any more alone or different from everybody else~~ Well I don’t know dude, I guess I need to get my head around being alone down here and how I can get better and stop missing ~~you~~ everyone so much._

_~~I love you~~ Peace out dude,_  
_Rin_

 

“Rin, what is this?” Makoto breathed out, as his eyes tingled and his hands shook. 

 

Rin glanced over at which letter Makoto has just read. “In that package are all the letters I never sent to you. The first bunch are the ones I never mailed because I was too humiliated with my existence to have you know how bad things were. I wanted you to think things were amazing and exotic and I was doing impressive stuff.”

 

Makoto’s eyes widened. “Oh Rin-”

 

The redhead cut him off, holding up his hand. “Of course you know now that wasn’t the case but it still felt important to give them to you.”

 

“These are _all_ from middle school?” He asked, awestruck at the sheer volume of young Rin’s words.

 

Rin snorted and shrugged a shoulder. “No man, a lot are from the last six years. I have no good excuse for not sending those. I’m a scared little boy in some aspects still, I guess. But some of those early ones are really dire. Although the ones at the end are probably a bit much too. I've always had too many feelings.”

 

Makoto rose abruptly from the couch. Rin raised his head to stare at him, shrinking back a little. “Don’t move, Rin.”

 

“I’ve scared you away, haven’t I, Mako? Please, wait to read the rest until I’m gone. Let’s pretend I never gave these to you,” Rin begged as he reached out, desperate to grab his incriminating letter back to protectively tuck away from judgment. 

 

“Please Rin, I have something for you too. Stay there,” Makoto instructed, before he stalked away to his bedroom to retrieve the box of his innermost thoughts and feelings, which contained words he thought he would never show anyone, least of all the man who currently sat on his couch. He walked back into the living room to see Rin with his eyes closed, heaving deep breaths as he practically chewed a hole in his bottom lip. It was now or never. Makoto placed the box in the other's arms. “Open your eyes, Rin.”

 

The swimmer held Makoto’s gray metal box with tentative hands. He looked at Makoto once for permission, which he gave without pause, and Makoto watched his friend open the box. Rin’s eyes doubled in size and he snapped his head back to Makoto, mouth hanging open.

 

“Mine are in order too, but working up from the bottom. I wrote you every week you’ve ever been in Australia and I stopped mailing mine around the same time you did. Do you want to work backwards or forwards?” Makoto waited for a response. Rin still just stared at him, eyes damp with unshed tears, lower lip quivering.

 

Makoto reached out his arm and ran his thumb gently along Rin’s lower lip, trying to still the shaking. What he got was a shy kiss pressed to his thumb, the feeling of an exhale against his hand, and a response. “I want to start from the beginning.”

 

Rin turned the whole stack of letters upside down and placed them carefully back into the box. He pulled out and unfolded the paper now on the top.

 

_19-04-04_

_Rin,_

_I thought of you today when the sakura were in full bloom here. I thought of you last year when they bloomed right after you left. I am looking at the flowers and thinking of you right now. Thinking of how brave you are for leaving to go for a dream. I wish I was brave. Do you ever remember our sleepovers we had, just you and me? Do you ever remember all the things we talked about? We asked more questions than we ever answered. I thought of you today when I saw a girl in an older grade kiss a boy by the fence at school. I wanted that to be you and me someday. But I also know I never want to get in your way Rin! You are gonna be so great some day! You don’t need me ever holding you back. You need someone else great, like Haru! ~~But I do think I want to kiss you someday, when I’m brave enough or great enough to deserve you. You’re the only boy for me~~. I hope you write back soon!_

_~~I wish I was brave enough or great enough to mail this to you.~~_

 

“Why didn’t you send yours?” Rin whispered after he finished, as he attempted to blot a few fresh tear drops from the page.

 

It was Makoto’s turn to shrug and deflect. “I’ve never been brave enough or great enough, Rin. Not for you.”

 

“Tch, I think you’ve got that backwards,” Rin scoffed so aggressively Makoto thought he might have swallowed his tongue. “You’ve always been this steady, unwavering rock of generosity and sincerity and compassion. I’m just me. There’s really nothing special about me besides the fact that despite the universe not gracing me with that much natural ability in the water, I am determined to work hard enough to prove the universe wrong. Now your unofficial husband, _he’s_ got plenty of natural skill and I’ve trained him to put in some effort. He’s unstoppable.”

 

“My what?” Makoto was flabbergasted, not at Rin’s obvious attempt to awkwardly lighten the mood, but at what he had actually said.

 

“What?” Rin’s eyebrows were up by his hairline. “It’s always been you and Haru. That’s one of the reasons I never sent letters over the last six years. Video chats and occasional phone calls are fine for being casual with you because _I needed it to be casual with you_ , but if I mailed a letter with feelings I knew I was going to get a heartfelt response because you are nothing if not genuine. I didn’t want to know how you felt about Haru, I didn’t want to be asked for advice on how to confess to him, I hid from you so you would ask for love help from other people. Who’s the cowardly one, Mako? It’s not looking like you.”

 

Makoto’s heart was beating erratically and he was convinced it had moved up from his chest cavity into his throat. “Me and Haru? No, it’s always been _you_ and Haru. And then I thought it might even be you and Sousuke? That’s why I’ve been pouring out my feelings into letters and hiding them because I wanted to confess to you every year when you came back for the holidays. I wanted to be with you one Christmas Eve and just tell you. I kept imagining I’d have to hold your shoulders so you couldn’t run away.” He chuckled and ran his hands through his hair. “I’ve wanted to tell you so many times but I never even knew if you were attracted to men too and I didn’t want to insult you. I’ve never talked to Haru or Sou about it because I didn’t want to hear either of them talk about you in that way. I wanted to protect my heart, the part with you in it, where no one could take it away from me. That box you’re holding has kept the Rin portion of my heart safe for me.”

 

Tears were running down Rin’s cheeks faster than he could roughly swipe them away with his palms. “We’re both stupid.”

 

Makoto huffed out a laugh. “We really are, Rin. And neither one of us is very brave, it turns out.”

 

The couch shifted, as Rin carefully placed the gray box on the floor at his feet, and turned towards Makoto to grasp his hands. “So you and I are both stupid, cowardly, and single?” 

 

“Sounds like we’re a match made in gay heaven, Rin.” Makoto’s whole body felt lighter than it had in weeks, months, possibly years. 

 

“Will you still confess to me next Christmas Eve and hold my shoulders so I don’t run away?” Rin’s eyes twinkled and his mouth quirked up on one side.

 

Makoto scooted impossibly closer and grabbed for Rin’s upper arms, holding firmly. “I’ll do better than that. Rin, I love you. And I’m pretty sure I’ve loved you for years. You are much more than a hard-working mediocre swimmer. You are beautiful in the water, made even more attractive by how hard you strive for what you want. You're giving of your time, a positive role model for anyone you come in contact with, so big-hearted there’s not enough time in your life to dole out all the love you have inside you. And I don't think anyone gives you enough credit for how smart you are. Nothing has been as fun without you around the past few years, it's not the same when you're not here. You are amazing and I’m lucky to know you. And you’re not going anywhere, I won't let you.”

 

Rin face was positively saturated now but he was beaming and _he glowed_ like he was lit up from within. Makoto knew this was what love looked like.

 

“Makoto, I don’t want to leave you ever. I feel like I’ve been waiting for you forever. And you, _you’re_ amazing. You don’t think you’re brave? How about moving to Tokyo to pursue your degree before you knew your best friend was going with you? You were going to leave everything you knew behind to do something you wanted. You found a career path all on your own, and there’s no glory in it and not a ton of money in it, but it’s meaningful to you and it’s what you want so you just went for it.” Rin paused for breath. Makoto tried to pull away but he felt warm hands move to his own shoulders and grip tightly. 

 

“No, don’t you pull away, you listen to this. You pour yourself out for everyone who needs you, you are always there Makoto. You nurture people. Do you know how important that is? You’re the cozy house, the warm hug, the mug of hot chocolate that everyone looks for when they need a little comfort if life kicks their ass. Also, Sou might have mentioned that you passed your training to be a volunteer firefighter? Hot damn, Mako, if that’s not courageous and selfless and so fucking manly I could die, then I don’t know what is. You’re independent and kind and generous and sexy, and all sorts of incredible.” Rin held on even after he finished his soliloquy. 

 

Makoto listened to Rin talk and _he heard him_ even as the blood pounded in his ears and the sweat trickled down his back. He reached up to touch Rin’s face. He cupped his cheeks softly and tugged him in closer. He had imagined this moment for years, and he felt no hesitation as he leaned in towards the other man and tilted his head. He pressed his lips tentatively against Rin’s, who pushed back with fervor and passion and energy and everything Makoto knew he would give. It took them over a decade, and reams of letters carrying heartfelt messages that had floated around in oblivion the entire time, but they were here now and they loved each other, and they were both brave enough to let the love in.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Should I keep digging for old MR ~~seriously who saves things randomly on different flash drives with no organization, I'm like the Nitori of fic writers~~ or let them stay lost where this should have remained? There would be no rhyme or reason to posting, I'd post them as I unearth them and after fighting with html formatting.
> 
> Sidebar: I blame my disorganization on moving 3x in 4 years. I'm actually quite an organized person. *sobs*


End file.
